I Found Myself

Two summers ago, I went to the Philippines. I found myself all alone on a cold airport floor at midnight. I found myself on a 14-hour flight to Hong Kong, wondering what in the world I had gotten myself into, wondering if I could handle it. I found myself in a strange car with two strange Filipinos in Manila in the middle of the night, holding back tears, praying I would be safe. I found myself sleeping on a park bench outside a small foreign airport at 2 am, holding tight to my single backpack which contained over $1,000, hoping I wouldn’t be robbed. I found myself sleeping in a tent during a flood. I found myself with nothing but the wet clothes on my back and only one contact for four days.

I found myself asking God why me? I desperately searched His Word for answers, for comfort. I found myself literally crying out for help. All I had was the Word of God to turn to during all these small trials that seem like nothing today. I had no one else to talk to. I had long deep conversations with God during that long flight, while in that car, and while on that park bench. I had nothing else but Him. But, what I didn’t realize was that, all I need is Him. He is all I need.

I have never felt so stripped down as I did that summer. Every comfort imaginable was taken away from me. I ate weird things, slept in random places, openly talked to people about my faith, witnessed true joy in both my life and the lives of the people I met. My life never felt so right as it did then. I was exactly where God wanted me to be, and I knew it. That summer, I was all His. Every day, I asked that He use me in whatever way possible to reach people for Him. I know I’m nothing special, but He makes me special. He makes everything glorious. He wanted to use me, and I was willing. I had an almost perfect relationship with my Father. All I had was Him, so I constantly read His word, constantly prayed with Him. I remember praying that He NOT keep me at home, that He use me overseas for the rest of my life. I remember myself worried that it wasn’t in His will for me to go.

Now where am I? I miss the me that I found that summer. I’ve said time and time again that I want to be God’s hands and feet. And what am I doing? Nothing. I know God’s love, and I’m keeping it all to myself. It’s time I quit being lazy and do something. I asked God to take my life, yet I’m still holding onto it. Today I’m letting go.

If every thing and every person that makes you who you are was taken away, what would be left? What identifies you? What is your life built on?

"If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me."-Matthew 10:39